I had a bit of a head smack in the midst of my workout this morning.    It came on the heels of another situation where I was clothes shopping.   In both cases, I had a certain "perception" of myself that turned out to be wrong.    The perception may have been truth at some point, but now - it is no longer true.

Let me explain....

When I started working out on purpose, I had to do wall push-ups because I had the upper body strength of a rag doll.    Wall push-ups, people.........embarrassing!     I graduated to a verrry high bench push up, then to a regular bench push-up until I went down to the floor for "girl" push-ups.     I've been rockin' girl push-ups for awhile now.....I feel pretty confident in them and I can do a pretty good number of them at one time.    But I promise you, since I've been doing girl push-ups, I just knew that I could NOT do a boy push-up if my life depended on it.    So I just stayed in happy girl push-up land.     My perception was that I was not strong enough to do them.....so I kept myself in the girl push-up box.  

Until today.

Something told me......just try it.     So I did.     And I did 10 freakin' boy push-ups!    Now I will say that they most likely lacked any decent form and there were very strange noises that accompanied.    But it's a start.....I can no longer keep myself confined to the girl push-up box.

The second situation has to do with clothes shopping.     I broke down and had to buy a few new items....I mean, good grief - I'm having a little issue with clothes these days!     So the first thing I do is gravitate toward the size I see myself as.....the size I've been for a long, long time.    And then I remember.....I'm supposedly smaller now, right?     So I grab something 2 sizes smaller.....I look at it and I think, "no WAY....this is too small for me".    I can't even get my mind around it.....so I grab the next size up.    I try on.   It's too big.   So I go back to the size I thought was too small....it fits comfortably - almost a little too comfortably.      I have had a really hard time perceiving myself as anything other than what I've been for the last number of years.    That perception is no longer true.

So I'm asking myself.    In what other areas of my life have I placed a perception "ceiling"?     Where am I holding myself back due to a collection of false mindsets?      It's awkward to challenge our thoughts.....to challenge the way we've thought  for years (or in some cases all our life).    I think sometimes I don't challenge my thoughts because I'm afraid.....afraid of failure.....afraid I will be wrong, which makes me not good enough.     That's a hard course to change when you are.......ahem......more mature in age.     But, I want to.     And where I don't want to, I pray that I would be willing to.     And where I am rebellious......well.......I'm just thankful I have a few butt-kickers in my life and we'll just leave it at that.

Challenge your thoughts.....do it afraid.....do it un-perfectly.  

Thanks for reading!



ps - I want to thank those of you who reached out to me (both publicly and privately) after my last post, "Broken".    It wasn't the easiest post to write - it took me a few days to actually do it.   Sometimes I don't really care to be transparent in my struggles.   However, I know that when we share our mess, God will use it for His message.   That was never more clear to me after receiving many private messages of those who have also been struggling.    Thanks so much for sharing with me....it means a great deal to know that I'm not by myself in this journey!!  I am thankful to say that since I wrote my last post, I have been feeling so much better....more at peace with where I'm at.   I feel the hope that I AM going to keep moving forward even with my temporary stop at "unable to function junction".

Not that he was the first one to ever say this, but Coach Miller (our high school football coach) started many a pep-talk with the overused and slightly corny phrase, "Gentlemen, it's gut check time". 

So I'm sitting on the bench with Big Jim and this is the voice I hear.....Coach Mill saying, "Kristin, it's gut check time".

I'm throwing it out there for ya.    I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING.    Ever since my birthday weekend, I've been on the battle field with my tools and lacking any strength or understanding to use them.    My mental toughness has left the building....and the neighborhood for that matter.  Big Jim is standing there laughing at me.....throwing it all in my face.  

For the last 4 weeks I've had to face and walk through some very painful steps....which actually is a very good thing.....but not fun....and hardly easy.   To add to that, I've also recently found out that a family member got some not so great medical news.    I'm also juggling alot of things in my schedule - none of them frivolous - some of them feel like full-time jobs!    Raising a very intelligent daughter also has it's challenges too - just sayin.    My body hurts.   My brain hurts.    And don't get me started about the perpetual state of messiness that my house is in lately (who is with me....when my house is messy, everything feels worse).   I don't come to make excuses, but I know the answer to my "Why Questions".      The answer starts with pain & pressure.

For the majority of my life, I've used food to numb, cover, medicate, relieve, distract and deceive me.    I'm learning not to do that any more.   But when the pressure and pain are on, what is my instinct?  Where has that comfort been and where is it going to be for me?     That is changing for me, I've seen growth over the last 3 years that has surprised me....it has not happened overnight.....and it is not where it needs to be. A lot of years of doing something sort of  makes things into a habit.   The fantastic news is....my shots are getting closer to the bulls eye!     Yay!




And this is where I leave it.    I feel broken - and I mean that in a good way.    But it truly is gut check time.  

What am I made of?




Please pray for me.....I want to be an overcommer.    I want to lay Big Jim flat on the ground, but I need a renewed strength.    I need courage to face the pain without picking up the medicator.     Pray for my family too....for those unspoken things that need the power of God now more than ever.

Thank you so much for reading and investing a little time in my journey.    You have absolutely no idea what it means to me.

As a group leader in a recovery ministry, I try to use my own life victories and mistakes to help others.   One way I share with my group is through weaving my own experiences into the lessons I'm presenting.   It's amazing how putting a life experience to material you are trying to teach gives more credibility to the material.    Instead of telling people what they should be doing, I do my best to walk it out and let my life be a testimony to what I believe in.  

Here's the thing about that.    When I share an experience from my life and how I got through it (or what I did in the midst of it) - I usually get TESTED on the very thing that I'm sharing with others!!    I believe strongly that as we put action to our faith, God will transform our life.   But sometimes our "action" needs a few trips around the mountain before the transformation can fully occur, ya know?     I think there are probably many reasons for this....but at the end of the day, it's a learning process.   And really.....how does a teacher know that his student has learned the material?   He gives the student a test.

Every time I post on this blog I am tested.    No joke.   Every topic I put out there, I run into that very situation not one or two days later.     Such is the case for my last post ("Preparation").     How super cool and smart of me to write that right before my big birthday weekend.    BAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!    Not only that, but my sweet husband has his birthday 2 days before mine.    And it was a holiday weekend.    All that to say, I had a little spill off the wagon.    Prepared?   Oh, I was so not.   Several times I did not have my food prepared and I used that as an excuse to enjoy something I wouldn't normally eat.    A few parties to celebrate, a few dinners out.    Preparation went out the window.     Now, I will defend myself and say that I didn't go super crazy - but my standards have risen quite a bit over the last year - so I'm calling a spade a spade.    Me....on the ground......wagon.....rolling down the hill.

So here's the deal.........what happens on Tuesday morning after a long weekend of celebrating Labor Day and the birth of 2 Amaro's?  

2 words.    EGG WHITES.



Another trip around the mountain, please....  :)


Writing this blog is pretty much putting my journey on display for others to see.   And I thought long and hard about that - but in the end, I decided that my journey may help or inspire someone else.   Or, it may show somebody that they aren't the only one who struggles in a certain way.  So here I am.....my victories and my failures are here for the taking.  

Thanks for reading...

Before I really say anything, I want to give myself a big woot, woot for hitting the big 8-0 this morning!   I'm a little disappointed because I only lost 1 pound this week....but I'm not letting that put a damper on the fact that since I started this journey, I've lost an entire 6th grader!    All the glory goes to God, who has given me the strength and courage to surrender, work hard and overcome!   Not to mention the people He has put in my path who are part of "Team Kristin".    I think we need shirts.

So in my last post, I talked about learning....I wanted to share something that I've been learning in regards to preparation.

prep·a·ra·tion "the action or process of making something ready for use or service or of getting ready for some occasion, test, or duty"

What I'm talking about is food preparation.    

I'll paint you a picture.   I'm busy.   I'm here.   I'm there.   I'm in my car.  I'm at the gym.    I'm here again.   I'm hungry.   Did I mention I'm busy?   How's that picture looking?    Where does my nutrition fit into that picture?   Let me tell you, I've been spending alot of time trying to get this one right.

Let me paint you another picture.    It's me.   It's two years ago.   I'm here.  I'm there.  I'm in my car.  I'm hungry.   I'm  not prepared.   Oh look, it's a McDonald's!   Oh look, it's a super-size!   Oh look, it's 1000 calories!   Oh look, my hips are growing by the minute!

Ok, so on my quest to live clean, I've had to completely change my mind about what eating looks like in my busy life.    I've also talked about still being in the process of grieving the foods that I have loved.    All my clean living friends out there can scoff at me.   However, even with the knowledge of how bad some foods are for me, I still love and want them.   I hope that goes away, but for now, I have to manage those desires with a dose of reality.     A light reprimand from my trainer also helps in this area :)

So how do I do nutrition on the go.   I'm going to break it down for you right here.    Are you ready?

I take stuff with me!

Gasp.

Revolutionary, isn't it?   Let me tell you, the Igloo and the blue ice are my new best friends.      But there is alot of PREPARATION  that has to happen in order for me to be able to throw a little something in my Igloo.  I have to have stuff ready to go out of the fridge.   Not only that, but my schedule changes every day.   What works for me on Monday is not going to work for me on Tuesday or Friday.   What happened last Wednesday is not necessarily what will happen this Wednesday.    Every day (and even the night before) I have to plan ahead - not just what I'm doing, but where and when I will eat my food.    I also have to factor in my workouts.    Don't want to snarf down my chicken and asparagus and then walk into the gym.....as much as I hate that stinkin' rower, I don't want to toss my cookies all over it!    I need to give myself some digestion time before I workout.

I'm not going to lie - it's hard.     Sometimes I mess it up.    Sometimes, I've gotten lazy.    But my priorities have shifted over the last 6 months.    Healthy living becomes more important to me with each passing month.   Does that mean that I don't want to die a little every time I walk out of the gym and get a whiff of that Popeye's chicken?   No.    But it means that most of the time, it's more important to me to eat healthy than it is to indulge myself with something I want for the moment.

I am learning alot in my quest for living out the plan.     Some of that learning has come as a result of being taught or told by someone else.    Some of that learning has come from making mistakes.  You burn your finger on the hot stove once or twice, you are going to learn not to touch the stove when it’s on, right?

The hardest kind of learning for me, however, has been the kind that comes after years of doing it wrong.    I’m a few short days away from another birthday - an opportunity to reflect on the past year of my life.    It’s been difficult to look in the mirror and face that I have spent DECADES of my life abusing my body in all kinds of ways.   But – as I’ve said before – I have a choice!    I can choose to wallow in regret, or I can choose to make a change.    Hopefully it's been clear what choice I've made....    Change, baby.

Some people may not agree with me, but I would say that in some cases (or for some people) it’s more comfortable to stay where you are than it is to make a change.   When I say comfortable, I don’t mean like a big lazy boy chair kind of comfortable.  We find comfort in the things that we know....that are familiar.  Sometimes making a change can be seemingly more painful than the original state we were in.   Fear of the unknown can also keep us in the place that we are.     Part of takin' down Big Jim means overcoming fear and overcoming the comfort zone.  

So back to learning.    I've learned that learning something new sometimes means you have to unlearn something old.

More on that next time :)

Thanks to all of you who are following along.   I welcome and very much appreciate any feedback you may have....!

Up first is - in my humble opinion - one of the smartest things I have ever done in my whole entire life.     I married 1 tablespoon of Hershey's unsweetened cocoa with a 6oz container of 0% greek yogurt (I'm partial to Fage or Chobani), stevia and 3/4 cup blueberries.     I call this wonderful bowl of goodness Chocoberry Mousse.      






Would love to hear what your favorite clean & healthy recipes are....please feel free to share!  
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to follow along......

ps - I'm not saying that I'm the only person ever to think of cooking these things.....just saying that they are things I tried in an attempt to "mix it up".

It's Monday morning -- time for a fresh start....a "reset" as I like to call it.    Last week is over and done with.    Ain't no do overs.  

Is that really true?    

Depending on how you look at it, I guess this week could be a do over.    Really, I'm doing most of the same things this week that I did last week:   going to work, attending my groups, eating my food, working out at the gym, etc., etc.    So I get another chance to do it right.     It's all about perspective.

Perhaps you are getting the sense that last week wasn't so great?    You would be correct.    It's funny how you measure things changes over the years.  


So saying I had a bad week is slightly laughable when comparing it to six months, a year, two years ago.    Even with improvement in my life, it's still necessary for me to evaluate my days so that I identify any patterns that might start creeping back in.     I don't want to dwell on the things that went wrong last week, I want to learn from them.

About last week.   Did you ever see that movie, "The Perfect Storm"?    I kind of felt like George Clooney at the end of the movie trying to navigate the seas in the midst of 3 colliding storms.   Ok, it wasn't that bad.  And Marky Mark was not with me either.   Let's just say the planets seemed to align against me.    I ate off my plan several times (not horribly mind you....just not "on"), I had a few days of really being under the weather.......and...........<WARNING, WARNING: FEMALE TALK AHEAD> I had my little monthly visitor which seemed to come on with a raging vengeance.     Did I mention a raging vengeance?

So here's my Monday reset.......last week is OVAH (that's New Jersey for "over").    It's a new week, a new opportunity for me to eat "on" plan, not be sick and not be....ahem.....you know....female talk.    And my trainer - God love him - has punished me beyond anything I can imagine by sending me crazy workout assignments for the week.    Thanks :)  

Do you have a place in your life where you need a reset?   There's no guilt or shame.....learn from where you've been and let that enable and motivate you to do it better this time!    Today is your opportunity to start fresh.......and really, it's your choice.

Thanks for reading....and a big thank you to those of you who have shared how Tuggin' is impacting you.     It means more to me than you know.

This could be one of those posts that will generate what I like to call the trainer mal de ojo (the stink eye of the trainer).

My trainer has said to me on several occasions something to this effect:

Before I launch into reflecting on my vacation why questions, I wanted to share my vacation victory with you........

The day I left for vacay, I stepped onto the scale in my trainer's office and took note of my number.   My hope was to come back lighter than when I left - I mean, why couldn't I hope for that?  If my plan was to do the same exact thing on vacation as I do at home, I should be on the downward trend.   But I know myself and I knew the temptations and challenges that were awaiting me.    It would be a true test of my ability to make good choices.     My inner diva was yelling out, "BRING. IT. ON."

Fast forward 2 weeks - I am back at the gym stepping on the scale.   Down 7 pounds.    I was playing air guitar in my heart....

So it is possible.   Choose good.   See results.     And just a disclaimer - I would say I stuck to my plan about 90%    I took a liberty or two, but they were planned and thought through.

Now - I invite you into the inner recesses of my mind as I share with you some questions I had to ask myself whilst on vacation.

Road Trippin'
WHY is it that when I am on a road trip (the driving part), I must have convenience food snacks and a soda?      Am I hungry?  NO.   But if I don't get a tin of Pringles and a Root Beer I just feel I will hardly be able to survive..... WHHHHYYYY??????     (fyi, for this road trip, I went with the assigned nutrition from my trainer:  a protein shake and Lara bar)

Snack Attack
I love my brother.   I love him in only the way a sister can.   We share the genes of our family, but somehow he got the tall, skinny, gorgeous wavy hair genes.....and I......did not.   Not fair.   If snacking was an Olympic event, my bro would take gold.   Normally, I would be right there with him.    So this vacation when my bro came to visit, I had to opt out of the snacking events.   WHY is it that I feel left out because I can't snack with him, like somehow my ability to be a fabulous sister has diminished because I can't join in?    WHHHHYYYY?????

Movie Noshings
I actually learned that it IS possible to watch a movie without eating anything.   Wow.    But I won't lie - I actually felt slightly uncomfortable with the movie watching because I didn't have a snack.   Almost to the point of distraction.   WHY?    I mean, Jason Bourne movies are so incredibly awesome, who needs a snack?   Yet, I found myself with the yearning.

Dinner Time Drama
Normally I do a lot of cooking when I visit my family.   One of my family members cannot stand (and that is putting it mildly) the smell or sight of chicken or any egg related product.   Sort of a problem for someone whose diet consists mainly of poultry and products produced by poultry.    I cooked a meal for my family that I chose not to eat, and I sat through a lot of dinners where they "ordered in" while I sat with my chicken and veggies.   I MADE THAT CHOICE - so why did I find myself having a little pity party about it??    Again, as with the snacking, I felt left out because I wasn't participating in eating the food that everyone else was.   WHY, WHY, WHY?

So these are the questions I am now grappling with.    I know enough about myself to truly know the answers to the questions.   So more importantly for me is to understand the season that I'm in.....GRIEVING.   I must grieve those unhealthy eating behaviors and foods that I have been so used to and begin to make healthy eating a part of my life.     Grieving is a topic on its own...grief isn't just experienced when a loved one passes on.  In recovery, we talk about grieving whatever unhealthy things we are breaking free from:  relationships, patterns, substances, compulsions, etc.       For me, my relationship with food is in a grieving season.    It's hard, but at the end of the day - it's still my choice.

Thanks for reading....your feedback is always welcome, and is an encouragement to me.

k

In my last post, I talked about asking the "why" questions.     During my time on vacation, I've had some time to ask myself alot of why questions....when what I realllllly wanted to do was ignore the questions altogether and mindlessly go about doing what I've always done.    Hey, now there's some honesty for ya!

What I'm starting to realize is I can't do that anymore.    For many reasons....I've invested too much and worked to hard, others have taken their time to invest in me, I want to walk my talk, I want to be a good example to my daughter, I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to stop the cycle of insanity (doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result).      Mostly, I just know it's not right.

Here's some more honesty for ya....there was a time in the not so distant past where those things I just listed were not strong enough motivation for me to stop what I was doing.    Hard to admit and sad to say, I know - but it's the truth.    Ask any alcoholic why they keep drinking.....ask any drug addict why they keep drugging.     Maybe you get that and maybe you don't......I think if everyone was honest with themselves they could see character traits that have been near impossible to overcome.

Back to the why questions....as I mentioned, I was almost 2 weeks away on vacation visiting family in Texas.   My goal was to stay on "the plan" during my time away.   That meant cooking my own meals, going to the gym and doing the workouts assigned to me.  It also meant passing on alot of treats and indulgences that I would normally afford myself since I was on "vacation".    Normally coming home from vacation means mama's sittin' alot heavier than when she left, ya know?    So this vacation I was determined to come home the same or lighter.   I came back lighter in weight, but heavier with reflection....

I will share my "why" questions with you next time.   Thanks for reading....

k

You can ask any one of the girls in my group...I'm always challenging them to ask the "why" questions. Why do you do that? And most of the time, the answer to the first "why" question will beg another "why" question. It's sort of annoying, but when you earnestly seek the answers to the "why" questions, you can get to the root and begin to address some of the problems in your life.

For me, I've been asking some tough "why" questions for a few years. Especially in regards to eating. For a long time, I avoided the why questions and used justification tactics. Those worked reallllly well to keep me in denial of any problems that I had. I can give you a great example of this, one I laugh really hard about now. I remember after I gave birth to Abby I was nursing her. My eating was out of control. My mom, lovingly attempted to address that with me and my response to her was, "Mom, I'm nursing...I NEED this extra 'nutrition'". Baaahahahahah!! WOW. Welcome to justification junction.

Over the last 3 years, my unhealthy eating and thought patterns have improved in "layers". I honestly can't believe how many layers there have been and I'm wondering how many layers are left to go. Can't really worry about that one, doing so would hinder my progress. I can say that each layer has been a season of growth and overcoming. Some of the layers took longer to peel back thanks to my own rebellion and stubbornness -- *sigh*. But the layer peeling usually begins with the why questions.

Being on vacation this week has prompted me to ask the toughest why questions yet, ones that will hopefully peel off the next layer for me. Not being in my little controlled environment with all my food and all my support mechanisms and people in place has challenged the layer that currently exists. And of course, I have a choice -- I can choose to let this refine me or I can choose to let the layer sit for another season. Hello Big Jim Walker....

I'm looking forward to sharing some of the why questions I'm encountering...next time!

Until then, I challenge you to ask yourself a "why" question....you never know, it might just change your life!

k

This is usually what happens to me when I go on vacation....I get ideas.    And usually there's just enough time to carry them out.     So welcome to my latest idea....

"Tuggin'" is going to be my place to process the changes I'm making and the thought processes, struggles, victories and failures that go along with them.    Really, I thought about calling this blog, "Letters to my Trainer" because he is the one who usually gets all my brain dumps - now he can have a break and my thoughts will be available for all the world!    You are free to leave or read on....the choice is yours.  

I've been on "the plan" now since February of this year....so far, I've made some pretty awesome changes.   I've dropped some weight (50+ pounds), did an overhaul on the family eating plan and found out that I can push alot more weight in the gym than I thought.  

But I have attempted to make changes in the past.....why is it different this time?     Will I be able to sustain this "plan" and make it my lifestyle?    I argue that I can and I will.     This time, my changes come on the heels of YEARS of personal work in the area of recovery.     If you know anything about this girl, you know that I am devoted to the ministry of Celebrate Recovery.   Not only have I gone through the program as a participant, now I have the honor of walking alongside others on their road to recovery as a step study leader.    I have learned so much in the last 3-4 years and now I'm applying that knowledge to this area of my life.  

If I had to boil down all that I've learned in recovery - I could do it in one point:

1.   I get to choose.

Sorry.....I wish it was more complicated than that.   I get to choose my thoughts, I get to chose if I stick something in my mouth, I get to choose how I process my emotions, I get to chose how I'm going to handle my anger, I get to choose if I go 5 more minutes on the treadmill, I get to chose if I'm going to sit on my butt all day.    

I'm so thankful to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior and know the power of the Holy Spirit that lives inside me.    That power enables me to make the right choices I need to make.   I also get to choose to ask the Holy Spirit for that power each day.....    Oh, and sometimes I'm stubborn and rebellious.  *Sigh*   But that's a post for another day.

Back to vacation.......this is really my first vacation since implementing the plan.    And let me tell you, it has not been without lots of temptations.   It's also been a great time to reflect on some of my thought patterns and how I'm "grieving" the food of my past.    More to come on that....

Thanks for taking the time to read....

k