I had a bit of a head smack in the midst of my workout this morning.    It came on the heels of another situation where I was clothes shopping.   In both cases, I had a certain "perception" of myself that turned out to be wrong.    The perception may have been truth at some point, but now - it is no longer true.

Let me explain....

When I started working out on purpose, I had to do wall push-ups because I had the upper body strength of a rag doll.    Wall push-ups, people.........embarrassing!     I graduated to a verrry high bench push up, then to a regular bench push-up until I went down to the floor for "girl" push-ups.     I've been rockin' girl push-ups for awhile now.....I feel pretty confident in them and I can do a pretty good number of them at one time.    But I promise you, since I've been doing girl push-ups, I just knew that I could NOT do a boy push-up if my life depended on it.    So I just stayed in happy girl push-up land.     My perception was that I was not strong enough to do them.....so I kept myself in the girl push-up box.  

Until today.

Something told me......just try it.     So I did.     And I did 10 freakin' boy push-ups!    Now I will say that they most likely lacked any decent form and there were very strange noises that accompanied.    But it's a start.....I can no longer keep myself confined to the girl push-up box.

The second situation has to do with clothes shopping.     I broke down and had to buy a few new items....I mean, good grief - I'm having a little issue with clothes these days!     So the first thing I do is gravitate toward the size I see myself as.....the size I've been for a long, long time.    And then I remember.....I'm supposedly smaller now, right?     So I grab something 2 sizes smaller.....I look at it and I think, "no WAY....this is too small for me".    I can't even get my mind around it.....so I grab the next size up.    I try on.   It's too big.   So I go back to the size I thought was too small....it fits comfortably - almost a little too comfortably.      I have had a really hard time perceiving myself as anything other than what I've been for the last number of years.    That perception is no longer true.

So I'm asking myself.    In what other areas of my life have I placed a perception "ceiling"?     Where am I holding myself back due to a collection of false mindsets?      It's awkward to challenge our thoughts.....to challenge the way we've thought  for years (or in some cases all our life).    I think sometimes I don't challenge my thoughts because I'm afraid.....afraid of failure.....afraid I will be wrong, which makes me not good enough.     That's a hard course to change when you are.......ahem......more mature in age.     But, I want to.     And where I don't want to, I pray that I would be willing to.     And where I am rebellious......well.......I'm just thankful I have a few butt-kickers in my life and we'll just leave it at that.

Challenge your thoughts.....do it afraid.....do it un-perfectly.  

Thanks for reading!



ps - I want to thank those of you who reached out to me (both publicly and privately) after my last post, "Broken".    It wasn't the easiest post to write - it took me a few days to actually do it.   Sometimes I don't really care to be transparent in my struggles.   However, I know that when we share our mess, God will use it for His message.   That was never more clear to me after receiving many private messages of those who have also been struggling.    Thanks so much for sharing with me....it means a great deal to know that I'm not by myself in this journey!!  I am thankful to say that since I wrote my last post, I have been feeling so much better....more at peace with where I'm at.   I feel the hope that I AM going to keep moving forward even with my temporary stop at "unable to function junction".

Not that he was the first one to ever say this, but Coach Miller (our high school football coach) started many a pep-talk with the overused and slightly corny phrase, "Gentlemen, it's gut check time". 

So I'm sitting on the bench with Big Jim and this is the voice I hear.....Coach Mill saying, "Kristin, it's gut check time".

I'm throwing it out there for ya.    I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING.    Ever since my birthday weekend, I've been on the battle field with my tools and lacking any strength or understanding to use them.    My mental toughness has left the building....and the neighborhood for that matter.  Big Jim is standing there laughing at me.....throwing it all in my face.  

For the last 4 weeks I've had to face and walk through some very painful steps....which actually is a very good thing.....but not fun....and hardly easy.   To add to that, I've also recently found out that a family member got some not so great medical news.    I'm also juggling alot of things in my schedule - none of them frivolous - some of them feel like full-time jobs!    Raising a very intelligent daughter also has it's challenges too - just sayin.    My body hurts.   My brain hurts.    And don't get me started about the perpetual state of messiness that my house is in lately (who is with me....when my house is messy, everything feels worse).   I don't come to make excuses, but I know the answer to my "Why Questions".      The answer starts with pain & pressure.

For the majority of my life, I've used food to numb, cover, medicate, relieve, distract and deceive me.    I'm learning not to do that any more.   But when the pressure and pain are on, what is my instinct?  Where has that comfort been and where is it going to be for me?     That is changing for me, I've seen growth over the last 3 years that has surprised me....it has not happened overnight.....and it is not where it needs to be. A lot of years of doing something sort of  makes things into a habit.   The fantastic news is....my shots are getting closer to the bulls eye!     Yay!




And this is where I leave it.    I feel broken - and I mean that in a good way.    But it truly is gut check time.  

What am I made of?




Please pray for me.....I want to be an overcommer.    I want to lay Big Jim flat on the ground, but I need a renewed strength.    I need courage to face the pain without picking up the medicator.     Pray for my family too....for those unspoken things that need the power of God now more than ever.

Thank you so much for reading and investing a little time in my journey.    You have absolutely no idea what it means to me.

As a group leader in a recovery ministry, I try to use my own life victories and mistakes to help others.   One way I share with my group is through weaving my own experiences into the lessons I'm presenting.   It's amazing how putting a life experience to material you are trying to teach gives more credibility to the material.    Instead of telling people what they should be doing, I do my best to walk it out and let my life be a testimony to what I believe in.  

Here's the thing about that.    When I share an experience from my life and how I got through it (or what I did in the midst of it) - I usually get TESTED on the very thing that I'm sharing with others!!    I believe strongly that as we put action to our faith, God will transform our life.   But sometimes our "action" needs a few trips around the mountain before the transformation can fully occur, ya know?     I think there are probably many reasons for this....but at the end of the day, it's a learning process.   And really.....how does a teacher know that his student has learned the material?   He gives the student a test.

Every time I post on this blog I am tested.    No joke.   Every topic I put out there, I run into that very situation not one or two days later.     Such is the case for my last post ("Preparation").     How super cool and smart of me to write that right before my big birthday weekend.    BAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!    Not only that, but my sweet husband has his birthday 2 days before mine.    And it was a holiday weekend.    All that to say, I had a little spill off the wagon.    Prepared?   Oh, I was so not.   Several times I did not have my food prepared and I used that as an excuse to enjoy something I wouldn't normally eat.    A few parties to celebrate, a few dinners out.    Preparation went out the window.     Now, I will defend myself and say that I didn't go super crazy - but my standards have risen quite a bit over the last year - so I'm calling a spade a spade.    Me....on the ground......wagon.....rolling down the hill.

So here's the deal.........what happens on Tuesday morning after a long weekend of celebrating Labor Day and the birth of 2 Amaro's?  

2 words.    EGG WHITES.



Another trip around the mountain, please....  :)


Writing this blog is pretty much putting my journey on display for others to see.   And I thought long and hard about that - but in the end, I decided that my journey may help or inspire someone else.   Or, it may show somebody that they aren't the only one who struggles in a certain way.  So here I am.....my victories and my failures are here for the taking.  

Thanks for reading...